


Always With Me

by bigasscutie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Distress, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Romance, Sad, erwin being very sweet, levi being hurt, saying i love you for the first time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 21:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3543962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigasscutie/pseuds/bigasscutie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Levi?” The blond clears his throat, closing the distance between them, looking at Levi’s eyes, staring at his broken, old enough soul.<br/>“Yes?”<br/>“I thought I was going to lose you today.”<br/>“I know. I thought that too.” </p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Levi and Erwin come back home after a terrible day. Levi is hurt, sad, confused; Erwin helps him out and tells him that everything's okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always With Me

**Author's Note:**

> The story is set after an hypothetical, tragic day when a lot of people die under Levi's command. The rest was just made up at the moment.  
> \--  
> While writing this I was very sad (you will notice, probably, i don't know) and also highly inspired by the song from Spirited Away "Always With Me" (as the title says), which I 100% recommend listening to while reading this. 
> 
> Sorry for my english, it could be bad. Except for that, enjoy :)

Levi lies down on his bed late at night, after a terrible, tiring day. He’s ready to have his usual three or four hours of uneasy sleep, finally, but something this time is incredibly wrong. As the gentle, cold light of the moon penetrates through the slightly moving curtains, making his pale skin glowing in the dark, he wonders why life has to be this way, why hasn’t his heart stopped beating so damn fast from the day that just passed, why does he have to always lose what he loves the most. He wonders and ends up thinking too much, feeling less and less like a man as the hours go by. It has been one of the worst days of his entire life. He lost everyone. Again. He couldn’t do anything; he didn’t make the right choice. Again. Shivering, he dives into his own hell. 

After trying to calm his heart and thoughts down, after trying to steady his body, he finds himself curled up under his covers as a child, feeling the softness of his pillow under his sweaty cheek. He forcedly closes his eyes, even though this is a bad move. As he closes them a wave of red blood rushes under his dark eyelids, and he relives all the events of the day; he can’t take it. But his eyes keep staying closed, not daring to get away from the tragedies they had witnessed. His breath begins to speed, his body starts shaking and his hands grip the sheets tightly, in pain and fear, regret, guilt and distress. He doesn’t even realize it when his own mouth starts screaming, silently at first, but then suddenly bursting through the quiet of the night. 

-

“Levi!” Someone is calling out his name, but he doesn’t notice right away, too busy letting his anger and suffering come out, shrinking over himself. “Levi-” The deep voice repeats, and this time he recognizes something vaguely, reassuringly familiar in it. “Levi, wake up!” He’s not really asleep, his mind somewhere definitely farther away than that, but still he refuses to give a sign of consciousness to the other man, except for the continuous screaming. Is he scared or traumatized, he doesn’t even know what he’s feeling, it’s not like he can manage to think straight right now. 

His yelling suddenly stops, leaving his throat dry and empty, when he feels that someone is hugging him from on high, embracing his little body all at once, forcing him down to keep him still, but in a gentle, though almost desperate, way. As soon as Levi calms down completely, and also stops moving under the unexpected touch, he senses the other presence laying down on the bed with him, taking all the remaining space of the mattress without never actually breaking the contact between them, and placing itself so that they can face each other closely, one arm holding onto Levi hard enough to make him almost too aware of it, almost hurting him from the urge with which it’s squeezing his whole side and part of his bare back. 

Levi’s breathing starts relaxing, his chest more at ease than before. He’s still not sure of what is happening, but all of a sudden he feels safe. He feels his body warming up and his sweat drying off. It’s a nice, unusual feeling. It makes him feel protected, intact, out of danger. It makes his heart’s beating slow down and it frees his mind. Only the peaceful, inviolable dark under his eyelids now. He immediately gives in to the touch and crawls under it, trying to gain every single inch of contact and heath from it. He squeezes a hand over the arm that’s holding him, keeping it right there where it is, afraid of losing that too, even though he’s sure it’s not going anywhere. He curls up even closer to the man next to him, eventually finding himself completely crushed against the other’s big, strong and soft chest and body, his forehead settled delicately over the spot where the pumping of his heart is loud and clear. 

The arm embracing him softly starts moving, the hand at the end of it starts caressing Levi’s back, then his arm and the back of his head, making him comfortable under the loving gesture. It plays with his hair, strokes his neck, soothes him. Levi hears a voice hushing him kindly, but he still can’t understand completely.  
“It’s okay. It’s okay, Levi. It’s okay. You are fine. You’re safe. You’re okay.” The voice keeps saying that for a long time, as a sacred mantra, but Levi doesn’t understand. He doesn’t care about being okay, because he’s not the one who should be okay. He feels too much guilty for being okay, this night. And even though it is nice hearing this, in the depths of his heart, he can’t stand it. “You’re okay. You’re okay, Levi, you’re ok-” Levi interrupts the other one without saying a word, simply moving away from him, breaking the spell, not feeling so safe anymore. He doesn’t really move too far away from him but still enough to bring his head up and stretch his body, his eyes squeezing hard, even more than before. He still hasn’t opened them, but now it’s different. His eyelashes are wet as silent, unknown tears of sadness and confusion are falling down his flushed and scarred cheeks. He punches the other man’s chest once, hard, leaving his shaking fist against it, trying to making him understand that he doesn’t want to hear that.

“Levi. Open your eyes.” As a hand cups his cheek in the most tender way, Erwin’s voice becomes so distinct, ringing loud in his ears, trying for a commanding and decisive tone contrasting his actions. Levi shakes his head hard, making it clear enough that he has no intention of following the blond’s orders right now.  
“Please.” His voice drops its imposing spirit right away, trying desperately to bring Levi back to earth, back to him. “Please Levi.” Erwin’s left hand carefully keeps brushing over Levi’s cheekbone, trying not to startle the man. And he doesn’t, because Levi is quickly melting and leaning into the sweet touch. “Look at me.” He pleads for the last time, still feeling Levi shaking his head, denying him his request. 

“I can’t.” Levi’s voice stutters, faintly.  
“Levi, I’m here.” Erwin replies, patiently, drying the tears off his beautiful face. “You’re safe. You can open your eyes. There’s no need to hide, not anymore.”  
“No. No I can’t.” He tries to get away from the touch of Erwin’s hand just for a moment, groaning in protest. His commander keeps him steady though, not willing to let him go like this, selfishly maybe, but he’s hurting too, and seeing Levi like this is even worse. He needs to do something, and he knows that Levi can be overly stubborn, especially when he’s hurt, and that he has to be a little bit more strict if he wants to actually help him. Still, that doesn’t mean that he can’t be tolerant and gentle with him. Or that he has the heart to do anything but feeling a deep fondness and concern for him. 

“Okay. It’s okay.” Erwin voice reassures him. “Can you tell me why?”  
“It’s cold. It’s going to be cold if I open my eyes. It’s going to be cold, and real. The blood. The blood and- and you. You are going to be real. So fucking real. I can’t.” Erwin frowns, deeply confused and still, hurt. His grip a little tighter around Levi’s head as he speaks these painful words.  
“Levi, what happened today. It is not your fault.”  
“Shut up.” Levi resists. “Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up.” He almost yells the last words, lightly scaring Erwin.  
“Can’t I be real?” He decides to change the subject then, and so he asks. Silence. “Say something Levi, please.”  
“You should be dead.” Levi’s voice doesn’t even flinch when he says this. “You should be dead, as the others. You should be. You should. As I should be. No one deserved to die today. It’s all useless and I don’t- I don’t understand anymore. There is no hope. No hope for this world, it’s useless. We are useless. I am, and you are. It’s all empty, and fucking terrible. You should be dead.” Levi rants, letting his words out as sharp knives cutting through Erwin’s heart. The little man feels restless, and the demon of death wins over him once again, over his faith and his hopes. 

“Yes, you’re right.” Erwin replies, without even thinking about it, knowing that Levi is a hundred percent right. He knows he doesn’t deserve his life. He knows he’s not as much of a good man as he always tries to convince himself to be. Sadly, to him, Levi is right. And it doesn’t even hurt, hearing him saying that. It doesn’t hurt because he knows that. 

Levi’s eyes are wide open now. They stare at Erwin wildly, red and wet, sparkling through the silver grey that distinguishes them, finally facing reality. A far more beautiful reality he could have ever imagined. Suddenly finding himself right in front of Erwin, in front of his gentle, sharp features that bravely frame those worried, tired but loving big blue eyes, makes Levi feels better. Fear, pain and death still haven’t left him, but as he looks at the other man a sweet, magnetizing light embraces him from inside. Levi realizes it then, realizes that hope can’t die, not as long as he has him. Erwin has always listened to him, he brought him with him to fight for a better world, looked out for him. He has the most noble, fair virtues and valour. He has the incredible capacity to still believe, and for that he has become Levi’s anchor, without which he couldn’t fathom to even breathe. He has infinite trust for the man next to him. He trusts him and loves him. And that’s why he can’t afford to lose him too. He just means so much, and what would be the point of everything without him?  
Immediately regretting his words, Levi places his own hand over Erwin’s jaw, trying to lift the defeated expression from his face. 

“You should be dead only because if you were, you wouldn’t be able to hurt me anymore. But you can’t do that. You can’t harm me. You would never do that. And fuck, you can’t die. Don’t you dare. Ever.” Levi’s hopes to sound decisive and sure of himself drop the second he begins to talk, his voice trembling and whimpering.  
“But Levi-”  
“No. Stop it.” Levi leans in, and even though Erwin is pretty sure that he shouldn’t be the one to be comforted right now, he lets him do as he wants. As Levi gets closer to him, they can both feel and enjoy the warmth of their bodies, which radiates from the touch, from the intimacy of the gesture. Their foreheads collide and then Levi’s lips brush Erwin’s nose, cheeks and lips, in a frantic search of approval and assurance. He grabs on to Erwin’s hair and keeps him close. 

“I’m here. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I promise you.” Erwin states at last.  
“Good.” There’s an unsure pause. “Say that again.” Erwin raises his eyebrows, not used to these kinds of requests from Levi’s part. “Please.” Levi begs him, evidently upset and desperate.  
Erwin grasps his chin and tilts it up, slowly. “I promise I won’t go anywhere. I promise I will stay here. Here with you. I promise.”  
“Thank you, Erwin.”  
“Levi?” The blond clears his throat, closing the distance between them, looking at Levi’s eyes, staring at his broken, old enough soul.  
“Yes?”  
“I thought I was going to lose you today.”  
“I know. I thought that too.” 

Levi’s grip tightens around his head, and suddenly his lips meet Erwin’s. It’s a chaste, soft kiss, they barely press down into each other, but their mouths burn at the contact. Erwin brings himself closer, going deeper, surrounding Levi with his long arm and pulling him towards him, feeling his whole body against his. Their legs entwine, and Levi is completely lost under Erwin’s loyal and loving spell. He forgets everything for as long as he can, the death of his friends, the battle, the fear. He doesn’t want anything else but being held by the man he cares most about, just for once. He wants to give up and not fighting, just for once. Levi’s kiss gets hungrier by the minute, his tongue softly daring to brush Erwin’s bottom lip, whimpering at the wet touch, but then he stops, leaving the other man panting, confused and disoriented. 

“Erwin?”  
“Yes?” Erwin wants to lean over again, but he waits.  
“Please, don’t ever leave me alone.” Levi kisses him quickly one more time, but lets him reply.  
“You know I won’t.”  
“Everyone always does. Everyone always leaves. Or dies. Please don’t do that. I-”  
“Yes?” Levi doesn’t manage to reply straight away, his heart stops. He hides his face in Erwin’s neck, but uselessly.  
“You what? Levi? What is it?” Such a worried voice.  
“I- I need you.” He confesses, letting his precious pride fall apart as he exposes himself.  
“I know.” Erwin smiles against him, holding Levi’s head against his upper chest, tenderly, keeping rubbing his fingers through his hair, silently telling him that it’s all okay.  
“I care about you.”  
Despite the intimacy of the moment Erwin is surprised by this. He’s not expecting Levi to be so open about what he feels. But he knows he cares too. And he knows it’s important to Levi. As it is to him. 

“Erwin. I-.” Levi doesn’t have the courage to finish the phrase, his voice quivering, ending in a strangled, scared noise. He will never have, because he’s not good at this. He’s still not this brave. So Erwin helps him out. 

“I love you too.” Levi feels a sweet, warm, decisive kiss grazing his forehead for an extended second.  
“Good.”  
“I’m here.”  
“You’re here.” That’s all Levi says, feeling complete, feeling safe and loved, feeling like, for once, he can be stronger than life and death together, before falling asleep in Erwin’s arms, the only place he knows he needs to be.


End file.
